The Dangers of Delayed Gratification

Happy September! It’s hard to believe that we’re already nine months into the year. As usual, nothing has gone as expected – not even close. 

Now, I don’t necessarily mean that in a bad way. Lots of things unexpectedly happened to me that were great. I made new friends, had pretty much the best birthday to date, became more ~open~ (#iykyk), and celebrated the wedding of one of my oldest childhood friends. 

But as always, I was forced to re-learn lessons I thought I had already mastered, which made me realize that we’re forever growing even when we think we’ve learned it all. 

I was supposed to take the MCAT in March. At least that was my intended goal. Then I had to push it forward. Then again. And again. As the months went on, I was no longer doing the things I used to love doing like writing or baking or exploring STL with my friends. I kept delaying anticipated plans for “after the MCAT,” because at the time I truly believed with every fiber of my being that I’d be done by April or May, tops. 

As I found myself slipping away more and more from things I used to love doing, I felt myself losing the aspects of my personality that make me me. With every “I’ll watch this show after___” and “I’ll pick up this hobby up after___” and “I’ll hang out with my friends after___”, I pushed potential moments of happiness into an unforeseen future. 

 While I don’t usually tie my ability to feel happiness to specific milestones or achievements, this year I found myself trying to do just that. I convinced myself I’d be able to pursue my interests in the future and then I’d feel fulfilled again; yet the future eventually came, and I was left watching bits and pieces of my identity slip out from underneath me. 

After delaying the MCAT over and over and still not having accomplished the things I wanted to, I realized it was meaningless to delay gratification in this instance because truthfully, I didn’t know when that day would come anymore. All that time I spent thinking of “life after the MCAT” led me to avoid spending time with people I love and doing the things I love, all because I was too stubborn to accept that I didn’t have control over my circumstances and had to let things work out on their own.

With that being said, I’m trying to get back to doing what makes me happy and I’m excited for what senior year has in store. It’s crazy to think that my life is going to be so different next year and I don’t have a clue on what to expect (Is that good or bad? You tell me).  

With love, 

Haya Ahmed